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London Daily Mirror
This article contains the full listing of clippings from the notoriously tabloid London Daily Mirror that have something to do with the exploits of The Empire of the White Tower in 2010. Read on... Spring ''For Get Gets What For They scum, they go - and sometimes they hang around like a debt collector's letter. Yes, the weather has barely turned and one of the city’s most infamous hot-spots is knee-deep in shysters. George “Get” Ethan-Brooks’ divorce papers have barely been dry for a year and a bevy of buxom babes are bulling the big bopper with a slew of allegations, the latest of which are that the water in his Posh West Side club’s Tony rooftop pool has been laced with LSD! This is not the first time trippy sights have been seen in For Get, a club gifted to Getty by his family when he turned 21… (MORE SCANDAL ON PAGE 5) Gala Gunshots Galore! A man at a posh Christie’s auction was taken in by City of London police last night after he fired of several rounds from an illegal handgun. Claiming he saw “a Nazi” and “a savage child” preparing to attack him, the still unidentified man fired several rounds into thin air before being tackled by a duo of local security guards. The borderline unstable man had to be restrained until local police arrived, led by Eugene “Gene Geanie” Hunt of the City of London police. Our tipsters hinted that the infamous DCI Hunt may need his high-priced CoL solicitor to get ready to work long hours, as Hunt reportedly beat the man savagely after he scuffed his equally infamous crocodile cowboy boots. (MORE SCANDAL ON PAGE 8) Ashwood Abbey Raises Thousands for Juvenile Diabetes A menagerie of mischievous masters of monetary multiplication came together last night for a fun-filled night of gambling and charity. Sponsored by noted philanthropist Lord Henry Blackmund held his 4th annual “cards for the cure” event at the Ashwood Abbey estate in East London. Members of the supersecretive organisation opened their doors to the Brampton research hospital raising over 200,000 pounds for the noted organization. The Abbey continues to take criticism from non-governmental organisations for keeping their membership rolls totally secret and barring media from all of their events. Rumour states that the BBC has an off-book policy to not report on the club, a policy only applying to the best of the best including royals; captains of industry; and exclusive gents clubs like the Abbey, Boodles, and the Eccentric. (MORE CHARITY ON PAGE 12) Duke's Driver Dings Damsels Daimler The recent spat of ruinous rain has washed away most of our weekend plans, but it has put the most severe dent in the life of The Duke of Exeter. His Grace was traveling from his solicitors office to a rumored tea with her Majesty when his personal driver apparently fell asleep behind the wheel and hit a comely co-ed from Imperial (not too far from His Grace's London flat in Kensington Gardens). After His Grace finished giving the driver what our eyewitnesses called "a thrashing" he apparently offered the distressed young lady a ride to class. No news yet on if the young lady plans to pursue legal action. Student Suicide Scandal as Sleepy Suburb Snores As Culford College grappled with its fifth suicide this school year, a school spokesperson deflected criticism of the school’s official response to the death of a 17-year-old student. Lower-Sixth former Verona Coleman leapt to her death from the clock tower of the prestigious secondary school late last week. In informing the school community of her death, Anne Belford, Dean for Student Outreach, wrote, “The young woman was a credit to our community but, regrettably, drifted away from the Culford way of doing things. We will be doubling the mandatory guidance time for all students so they can share the deep sadness they no doubt feel after this tragic event.” A good start no doubt, but given the rash of recent suicides, we at the Mirror were shocked to learn that no official investigation has been launched into the wave of deaths that started last September when a Year 10 student threw himself in front of the 4:50 train from Paddington station. College solicitor, Sir Mortimer Armstrong, stated that an internal investigation was ongoing under his supervision, but declined to give any further information... (MORE INVESTIGATIVENESS ON PAGE 3) Police Fiddle as Forgotten Forget Burns Outrage abounds as the Metropolitan Police Force and the City of London Police argue over who was in the wrong during this weekends horrific burning of trendy night-spot Forget. On the night of May 15th, a private party rumored to be held by the shadowy Imperial College secret society known as "The Empire" was crashed by hundreds of students. An overcrowding report was sent by neighbors in their posh Chelsea 'hood to the C.O.L.P.-ers who promptly ignored it, an alarmingly long standing tradition where the Getty Brooks owned club is concerned. When the M.P.D. arrived to question a suspect in an unrelated case, they clashed with a few C.O.L.P. officers, which nearly turned into a brawl when both sides called for reinforcements. In fact, when black smoke started to pour from the side of the building and a desperate rush of Uni students came stampeding out, the less-than-chummy cluster of police cruisers from the two forces was so massive that fire units were unable to make it past the nearest roundabout. MPD Inspector Percival Mayne could not be reached for comment, but fan-favorite COLP DI Gene Hunt spoke exclusively with the mirror when he said "Get your fucking recorder out of my face you stupid fucking wanker". Classy. (MORE ARSON ON PAGE 7) Summer Blackmund Charitable Heritage Trust To Endow Three More Just when you couldn't love 'em anymore, Lord Henry Blackmund, heir to the Blackmund family fortune and a respectable businessman in his own right is going to continue his crusade to "preserve the essence of english history in the heart of London" by donating the funds to refurbish three more major historic sights in the city. Already well respected for his refurbishment of legendary Hill's Crown (now his private residence) and The Monument, Blackmund is set to refurbish a number of other london landmarks, though he's keeping mum on the juicy details so far, jovially saying "I think the people of London will just 'go over the Hedge' when I make the announcement. It'll be a real scream!" Though we've no official word, the rumors center on Bethlehem Royal Hospital, the student union at Imperial College or even more high profile spots. When asked about those spots and others, the Baron just laughed and laughed... (MORE CHARITY ON PAGE 6) Genie Brawls Beyond His Walls As Approval Falls Everyone’s favorite DCI is at it again as sources tell us Gene Hunt and his thuggish City of London Police beat on a group of young protestors in the Pekham region of south London, well outside of his jurisdiction in the square mile. These blurry camera phone photos taken by locals seem to show the notorious scarred skull-cracker wailing on a group of hoodies for no better reason then a spot of fun. Could his latest indiscretion have anything to do with recent pressure from the city to clean up his act in the wake of the Eccentric Club fire? Rumor has it that the Metropolitan police have added his name to the investigation of the recent rash of deaths at Culford College. Could our Genie be running out of time to save himself from political rebuke and early retirement? Lets hope so. (MORE SCANDAL ON PAGE 12) Drunken Crash Goes Unpunished Late last night, while the hard working citizens of London were snuggled up in their beds, a vicious gang of drunken hooligans was using our cherished monuments for wickets. The Mirror has received exclusive accesses to police records showing a group of Uni students from Imperial College got a little big for their britches last night and stole some of dad’s old whiskey, going for a joyride in what is assumed to be a stolen car. These unfortunate undergraduates then proceeded to drive donuts around Nelson’s Column, before crashing into its base! The Punishment for this reckless behavior? A slap on the wrist from authorities who were ordered by some higher-ups to hush-a-bye the whole incident. I promise you, gentle readers, that this abridgement of justice will not stand and this paper will do all they can to get to the bottom of this latest abuse of power. (MORE OUTRAGE ON PAGE 2) London Internet Shuts Down: Gov Sez City Boys to Blame A great wail was let out by the citizens of London early this morning as Internet access in the Square Mile went down for over a half-hour. Shortly before 9AM (GMT) every internet server in the city suddenly sized up and refused to operate, reported several Mirror sources. Some reports even stated that computers went ablaze and sparked violently as the surge disrupted service, particularly in Paternoster Square where the London Stock Exchange came to a sudden stop, halting all high-level economic interaction in the city. This decidedly unwanted disruption was apparently the fault of a single financial firm- Prittering Price Fisher Finance, a mid-level finance house that has expansive dealings with the likes of Goldman Sachs and RBS. Government sources tell us that PPF somehow managed to unleash a viral plague upon the London markets, forcing them to shut down all internet traffic in order to contain the digital plague. No need to wait for just deserts though, those same sources tell us that PPF has lost nearly all their electronic records and will need 1-3 months to “find” the financial reports and account information for thousands of the London upper class, including the wealthy George Family and Sir Garnet Wolsey. With a colossal fuck up like that on the record, we can’t imagine seeing PPF as a player for too much longer… (MORE COMEUPPANCE ON PAGE 17) Prittering Price Fisher Under Investigation for Securities Fraud U.K. Central Bank investigators said they had uncovered records at Prittering Price Fisher Finance that appear to be fraudulent. "Some customer statements do not reflect securities in the firm's possession," said Harold Herne, chief forensic accountant for the UKCB. PPF was charged with securities fraud Thursday after an employee being questioned about the recent electronic troubles notified authorities that one of his superiors had told them they had manufactured over 700 million in fraudulent accounts in a complex money laundering scheme. Financial analysts expressed concern about PPF on several occasions, including 1997, when authorities was told in a letter that PPF was running a Ponzi scheme, The Washington Post reported Monday. However, the UKCB did not examine the operation until last week, due to the letter being postmarked from "Gringotts Bank" the fictional Goblin-run bank from the popular Harry Potter book series. (MORE FRAUDULENCE ON PAGE 3) Flaming Poo a Big To Do An explosion that rocked the posh Kensington neighborhood friday morning, as a non-venting bag of fertilizer exploded with the force of a stick of TNT, investigators tell the Mirror in an exclusive. A newly immigrated worker, hired to fill in repairing the lawn at kensington before work hours left the bag under several slabs of stone, compressing the substance causing a small spark, presumably from a cigarette, to cause the bag to explode. Luckily for our thoughtless gardner no one was hurt, though a large section of the ground will need to be fully re-sodded. Rumors of a headless homeless child being found on the site have been confirmed to be just another part of the scurrilous urban legands about the Gardens that spread from time to time. (THATS IT. ITS JUST A BLURB. YOU WANTED MORE? TOO BAD!) Missing MP Found in Critical Condition'' Princeton Landon, Member of Parliament for Brentwood & Ongar and cabinet Under-Secretary of State who went missing was found Saturday night by emergency response crews in Central London and hospitalized in critical condition. Mr. Landon was located at the corner of New Oxford st and Bury place at about 10:25 P.M., Inspector Percival Mayne said. He was in cardiac arrest when he was found. Officials performed CPR and rushed to nearby University College Hospital. The MP was reported missing by his staff when he did not return to work following a luncheon fundraiser at Chelsea Arsenal FC. The staff called authorities Friday after they found his car parked in the lot at Arsenal FC, a full three hours after the event ended. Witnesses on scene say that MP Landon was attacked by some sort of dog and may have fired a shot at the animal. Mr. Landon is not registered to own a handgun. Category:Mundy Category:Imperial Category:Trouble Ahead Category:Book One Category:Book Two